Effective requests

Clear and effective requests are a positive way to show your child your expectations and what you want them to do. It can be anything from brushing their teeth in the evening, to doing homework or getting along with their siblings.

An effective request increases the likelihood good cooperation between you and your child. You focus on what you want your child to do, rather than what they shouldn’t do. For example: “I want you to sit on the sofa”, instead of ”Don’t jump on the sofa!”. Specific requests make it easier to understand what you want, and  strengthen the relationship between you and your child in the long run.

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In a typical daily situation, a parent makes many requests in the span of an hour. It is easy for parents to fall into the trap of telling their children what not to do. Think about a recent evening in the past week when you had to give your child a request. Were you able to come up with an request that really showed what you wanted your child to do? Or was the request more about what your child should not do? How did your child respond?

Here are some tips that work in most everyday situations.

Making clear requests:

  • Be specific – your request should include everything you want the child to do.
  • Give only one request at a time.
  • Focus on what you want your child to do: ”Please clear your plate off the table when you’re finished.”
  • Use a kind but firm tone.
  • Remain calm and collected.
  • Maintain eye contact with your child.
  • Be cordial and respectful.
  • Follow up - make sure your child does what they have been asked to do.
  • Acknowledge your child when they cooperate: “Thank you for clearing your plate.”/ “I’m glad you called to let me know you arrived.”

Avoid...

  • Blaming, criticizing or showing disapproval: ”It’s your fault our house is so messy.”
  • Asking a question: ”Would you like to clean your room?”
  • Giving too many requests at once: ”Clean your room, do the dishes and then do your homework.”
  • Bringing up things that are not relevant to the situation: ”Your grades are terrible. Go clean your room now.” You’ve always been sloppy. Do you remember when...?”
  • Shouting from far-away: “Come here right now and put your shoes on!”
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The dont's of making requests:

  • “Why don't you ever help out in the kitchen?”
  • “Don't scream at your sister.”
  • “You're making a mess of the bathroom.”
  • “You never take out the garbage.”

Then there is a risk that:

  • The child feels challenged and becomes defensive
  • The child doesn’t want to cooperate
  • The parent gets upset or gives up
  • The child’s defiant behavior worsens
  • The parent resorts to more and harsher consequences

  • Frequent conflicts may damage the relationship in the long term

 

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The dos of making requests:

  • “I want you put your plate in the dish washer”
  • “Use a nice tone when you talk with your sister.”
  • “Please hang up the towel when you are finished.”
  • “Please take out the garbage now.”

Increases the chances that:

  • The parent gives clear and simple guidance as to what is expected
  • The communication is positive
  • The child is more willing to cooperate
  • The parent is more likely to see positive behavior and give encouragement
  • The parent’s positive leadership in the family is strengthened
  • The relationship is strengthened positively in the long run

Read more about encouragement on the page Encouragement and praise.   

 

Film examples

Here are some film examples  of both dos and don’ts in making requests.

Summary

  • Focus on what you want your child to do, instead of what the child should not do.
  • Be specific – your request should include everything you want the child to do.
  • Give only one request at a time.
  • Use a kind but firm tone.
  • Follow up - make sure your child does what they have been told to do.
  • Praise to your child when they cooperate.